(mellow techno music) – Hello everyone Welcome, and I am not a fan of Zoom, I’ve got to admit, but it’s the best we’ve got at the moment So thank you so much for joining me And I’m really praying that this will be a hopeful, helpful hour for a lot of you guys, and it’s brilliant Just for some of the parameters of the evening, just to let you know the chat is there It would be so lovely to just know where you’re watching from So do feel free to put down where you’re watching from We really want tonight to be a safe and supportive community And so please, I’m gonna leave the chat on, but it’s just for affirmation and to encourage one another, really And I hope that’s okay At the end of the evening, around nine o’clock, I’m gonna hang on for a bit, particularly if people have got questions about Kintsugi Hope I just didn’t want to use any of the time to do sort of a promo on Kintsugi Hope, but I know that some people have been contacting me during the day and saying they’ve got questions So I’ll hang on for a bit and answer any questions around Kintsugi Hope, and hopefully that will be really, really good The other thing I’m gonna do is I’m gonna recommend some resources as I go along Not my resources I will mention mine, but other people’s resources that I found really helpful in my journey around faith and mental health, as well I also want to say that, you know, I always say there’s no winning comparisons And when you talk about faith, mental health, and our journey, sometimes it’s easy to start comparing And tonight it’s not about that It’s about finding a safe and supportive space to discuss issues that are huge for so many people And so please try and stick with it, stick with it to the end, and hopefully it’ll be helpful for you Mental health, like physical health, you know, it’s got such a wide range, isn’t it? I find that often anxiety and depression are the things that get spoken about the most, but there’s such a wide range So I totally understand that, and I recognize that If you’re interested in some of the theology and some of the thoughts around there, the two books I’ve written on the topic are “When Faith Gets Shaken.” You can get this off our website afterwards, and “Honesty Over Silence,” which is probably the more around emotional and mental health And I know a lot of you have read this But please check us out or maybe get it for a friend That would be really good If you get it from us, all the money goes back into the charity So it’s really lovely The other thing I wanted to mention just briefly was in November we’re gonna do a series of events on the first November called Speak Honestly, and it’s gonna be a chat show, a live chat show, suitable for those of faith, and those of none, and it should be an amazing event We’re gonna have music, we’re gonna videos There’s gonna be all sorts of things going on And you can book on that through Eventbrite It is donation only, but if anyone can’t afford it, just email me, and we’ll make sure you get in I think it’s only a pound, but please, please 1st of November, we’re gonna look at anxiety Then we’re gonna look at disappointment, and then perfectionism So do check that out, and last but no means least is we also have this journal For my mental health, I journal a lot And this has got verses, and Bible verses, and poems and all sorts of things I’ll try and read some of those poems later So just to share a little bit of my story, I grew up in a Christian family I guess it was a culture that was quite strict religious at the time We went to church three times a day I had to go to Sunday school Sunday afternoon And I had some early experiences that really shaped me, though I didn’t really realize at the time And one was that I had a brother called Matthew who died just after a couple of days And his birthday is March the 10th And then he died late on March 11th And the challenge with this is my birthday was March the 12th And I guess that every birthday I had up until really recently, actually, I just never wanted to celebrate me, ’cause it was like I needed him to be there And I felt that sort of loss, I guess And I was only young when he died I was only three I didn’t really remember it, But I just thought every single year, this must be so painful for my parents, and that trauma of losing a child And then when I was 10, we had a really serious car accident We were coming back from Southend and a car pulled in front of my dad My dad did an amazing job of swerving So he missed the car that pulled right in front of us, but he hit the car coming the other way So it’s a hundred mile an hour impact, and every single one of my family were in hospital that night, seriously, seriously ill, apart from me And I remember waking up, and there was a lot of blood,

and I just fainted And then I got taken home to be with my nan And I remember just that fear of being alone And it’s interesting that as I’ve gone on this journey about trying to understand emotional and mental health, and what can help at those times, I realize actually the role that trauma takes and one of the books I would really recommend is “The Body Keeps Score.” And this talks about the fact that trauma is stored in your body And it’s really interesting is that I’ve had to go into hospital a lot over the years with various operations on my legs and stuff And when I go to hospital, my heart races It’s not my head My head’s fine I can rationally think about why I have to go, and I have to get tests, and I have to get x-rays, but my heart races And I realized that trauma is often stored in your body, and dealing with trauma is a huge, huge thing to do, and a really challenging thing to do I had a pretty good relationship with Jesus, I think I struggled a bit with church, if I’m honest, church culture, but I went along with it I went to church, went to youth group, listened to my Christian music And then when I was 16, I went to Cardboard City, which was underneath Waterloo bridge at the time And I remember sitting down with these bunch of homeless guys, and one guy had got a hamburger And we were there on a two week mission trip thing And this guy, he took a bite out of it And then he passed it to his mate, who then passed it to his mate, who then passed it to his mate, who then passed it to me And I was like, why are you giving me out of your poverty? I have everything You have nothing And I remember looking on the walls of Cardboard City, someone had painted these words: welcome to reality At that point, my Christian bubble burst, and my heart was broken for those that felt the last, the lost, and the least Those that felt marginalized And I realized that God’s heart must be broken, as well And so I was determined to make a difference And so as soon as I could move back to London, I did And I was 18 I was determined to live out James 2:17 that says, “Faith without action is dead.” And I moved to a place called Peckham, which I absolutely loved And it is an amazing place It’s one of the only places you could buy half a goat and a mobile phone in the same shop It’s brilliant And, but it is really vibrant, really beautiful place, but it was a place where there was some huge issues around gun and knife crime And there was this young lad called Damilola Taylor You probably recognize this photograph And he was 10 years old when he was killed just down the road from where me and my wife Diane and Keziah were living And I remember at the time he had a bottle that this gang, they put put in his leg, and he bled to death in a stairwell in Peckham And I remember that time just being so devastated that this happened in my community And through the charity that I was working with, I just saw kids with so much pain Another kid, David, really cool kid He was 14 when he died, and he died of a knife wound The knife was dirty that they stabbed him with, so he died of infection I remember dealing with a situation where a 15-year-old had completed a suicide at school, and just the amount of abuse that was going on And at the time, I didn’t really think about the effect that this was having on me It was just ’cause these people, you know, we played top trumps with pain, don’t we? And they had it, obviously so much harder than I did And I was determined to make a difference I traveled a lot I really wanted to understand Black history, Black culture It wasn’t taught very well in my school And so there’s a massive Ghanaian population in Peckham So I went to Ghana 10 times, in fact I fell in love with the place I’ve got very dear friends there I went to another place called Trenchtown in Jamaica to try and help with some of the gang violence And that was an incredible place, amazing communities But again, heartbreaking I remember one night I was there with a friend of mine and I was on the phone to a lovely lady called Debbie And Debbie is like, “I’m hiding under the bed.” I’m like, “What are you doing under the bed?” And then I could just hear bullets flying through the sky and then smacking her building And she was like, “Pastor Patrick.” She called me Pastor Patrick “I don’t wanna die tonight.” You know? And I mumbled some sort of prayer And then the day after that, you know, we went down there and we prayed in her home, and we tried to do some gang mediation work, and we did a street concert And I guess I was part of that generation, you know, like we used to sing a song “History Makers,” that we’re gonna change the world And I just burnt out trying And I felt sometimes the way we talked about mission, if I’m honest, it made us the rescuer, and not Jesus I remember someone in my organization, the church movement I was part of says, “You know, you burn the candle at both ends

“’cause then you’ll burn twice as brightly.” And I use this analogy: if you get a frog, and you stick it in a bowl, and the water’s boiling, it will jump out straight away But if you put the frog in the bowl and you boil the water slowly, the frog boils to death And I think this is what happens, like subtly We just get into these habits that are just so unhealthy for us, and our theology, and our way of thinking about stuff that again, means that we do not consider that God said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And I want to love my neighbor But for me, I hit a Tetris moment, and you probably remember the game Tetris It was about 10 years ago now And everything went wrong at once And Tetris is a game where these blocks fall out of the sky and you try and get them in straight line And when you get them in a straight line, the the line disappears, but it just comes too quickly And I dunno if I’m like you I’m guessing if you’ve tuned into something around faith and mental health, you’ve probably got your own story, But I don’t know why things have to go wrong at once And Kez, my daughter, got a condition called HSP She was rushed into hospital She had blotches all over her legs, and it was one of those really rare conditions In fact, I remember taking her to the doctors in Peckham and it was so rare, the doctor started Googling it I thought, “This is not a good sign when the doctor’s “Googling the condition in front of you,” do you know what I mean? And then calling other doctors in to look at Keziah’s spots on her leg And she had it three times, actually, and it was six to eight weeks They said, if she started to be sick, high temperature, rush her into hospital, and we had to do that a couple of times And you’ll know if you’ve got kids, there’s nothing worse than your kids are sick and there’s nothing you can do about it And then my dad got cancer, and he went into hospital for, hopefully it was gonna be a week It ended up being nine weeks, and he had four different operations And I remember every day praying that he would get better, and every day he just got weaker, and weaker, and weaker He survived, but he lost three stone of weight And he’s incredible He is so determined to keep going And then I got diagnosed with this degenerative knee condition, which meant I needed to get both my legs broken in three places, and a circular, external frame with 12 pins drilled into my legs, six of which will be drilled into my bones And they said this external frame will be on six months to a year And this was like my idea of an absolute hell You know, they were saying, you wouldn’t be able to do much You know, it had to be cleaned every day, ’cause there was massive risk of infection But they said it’s a big operation, so you get to decide when it happens My mate said to me, “Mate, this must be like waiting “for a car accident to happen.” You know something really bad’s gonna happen, but you get to decide when it’s gonna happen And I had to have it done on both legs And the book “When Faith Gets Shaken,” tells the story around that And then Abby, my third kid, got diagnosed with a condition called nystagmus, which is an eyesight condition, and everything was going wrong And we knew we had to have this big operation So Diane was like, you know, “What do we wanna do before we have the operation?” So Diane decided that we needed to have another baby And I went along with it for a couple of days, which I know is actually too much information for Zoom And she got pregnant, and it was great, and we rejoiced, but then we had a miscarriage, like many people do, and it was while Dad was in hospital having his cancer treatment And I guess I was heartbroken And in those years, because of the legs, I was so scared of going into hospital to have this operation Everyone in the Christian world was praying for me And I guess that I was trying to hold on for that magic prayer, which meant I was gonna be healed I would go to these festivals, and some of the leaders of the festival would just come up to me and goes, “It’s all right “I’ve arranged for you to have a private prayer “with a person from Bethel ’round the back.” I’m like, “I don’t wanna go around the back “with someone from Bethel; it sounds scary.” And when I didn’t get healed, I was told that I didn’t have enough faith, that church leaders, Christian leaders, are the worst to pray for ’cause you’re no good at receiving Or that God is using this He’s backed you into a corner to teach you stuff God’s gonna use this time to help you know how to rest, or, you know, look on the bright side You’re gonna have all this time on your hands to pray And to be honest with you, and I’ve written a book, “Honesty Over Silence,” so I haven’t got much choice I just started to unravel I just felt a huge amount of shame And it wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God, I just didn’t think God was particularly nice Or God didn’t like me He liked other people, but he didn’t like me And he was a bit like a mean teacher I’d imagined sometimes going up to him, and he’s going, “Yeah, you’re doing all right “But I think you need to try a little bit better.” And I just started getting really anxious and getting paranoid, I thought everyone hated me And the only way I could describe it, I guess, is just this sense of falling and not being able to stop myself

And I was terrified In fact, I don’t know if I can put into words how I was feeling at that time I felt like a failure I felt so lonely And then church culture was tough because I didn’t wanna tell everyone because I felt ashamed And I was meant to be this Christian leader who people were looking up to, and wanting to change the world And when I did tell people that, some people said, “Well, you’re giving the devil “a foothold in your life “You need to believe, you need to trust God “You need to pray more.” I was praying as much as I could And you know, all these victorious worship songs we were singing in church It was funny story Once we were in church and my wife’s looking at her phone, and I’m like, you know, it’s embarrassing, you know, during worship And the kids do it quite a lot, which is okay if they’re looking at football, but if they’re doing anything else, like I turned them off And this time Diane’s looking at her phone, I’m like, “What is your problem” And the song’s about breaking every chain, and taking this land and, taking that land, and you know, there’s power, we’ve got power and that’s got power, and we are in this army And I said, “Will you stand up?” And she just looked at me and went, “Patrick, I’m knackered “I don’t want to be in any army.” And you know, so often people feel like that, don’t they? I remember speaking at a lot of these Christian festivals, which are amazing in some ways, but for me it was like comparison city You start looking at all the other speakers and going, “Oh my goodness, they’re funnier than me.” You know, I suffer from imposter syndrome I don’t know if any of you listening suffer from that Like, everything I’ve ever done is a fluke and one day I’m gonna be found out And I think this is gonna be my night ’cause I don’t think I’ve ever been this honest before, so this is probably my night to be found out I was really scared I went up to someone in church once, I went to the front, and this was the time, you know, the riots I was doing a lot of TV interviews I did this thing on CNN, which was crazy, and the amount of people that watched it and stuff And I just explained, I’m feeling anxious And their first prayer was like, “God, we just pray you’d humble, Patrick.” And I thought, “I’m smashed “I’m smashed.” And you know, the challenge with this is, is since I wrote “Honesty,” oh my goodness, I’ve had so many, I’ve got a file I’m in my office at the moment I’ve got a file over there of letters, and emails, and Facebook messages of people telling me their stories And in fact, there’s a lovely lady who Facebooked me this week, and she said, she didn’t mind me telling you this, but you know, she went to her pastor and said, “I’m feeling really suicidal,” and his advice was, “Well, if you commit suicide, “I will not bury you in my graveyard.” And we offer platitudes like, God will not give you more than you can handle, everything happens for a reason, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger And I guess the problem I have is that I just didn’t feel like I belong Brene Brown says, “Belonging is being accepted for you “Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else “Fitting in is exhausting; belong is life-giving.” Now here’s the thing, right? This isn’t a church-bashing thing because the church is full of broken people I’m part of the church I had some of these judgmental attitudes and I feel a bit embarrassed about it now ‘Cause when my life started to unravel it left me with nothing And I realized that actually, that we need to be far more gentle in the way that we approach these things But the church, in some areas, is amazing It does incredible things It serves the broken and the marginalized It does childcare, does all these incredible things But I guess the reason I wanted to do tonight is ’cause I wanted to say really gently to church leaders and to people that go to churches, thank you so much what you do, ’cause I know it’s a lonely job, and I know it’s hard But you know what, I do believe that we need to change some of the culture around mental health, and emotional health in our churches It’s become unhelpful for so many folk I guess I wanna beg preachers who do an incredible job I couldn’t preach every Sunday, but to really look at some of those verses that we take out of context, and please don’t say, “God says,” unless you are 120% sure he has said, ’cause it can put people under so much shame And you know, when you do look in the Bible, you realize that God did deal with these issues Elijah in the cave is suicidal You know, after Carmel, he said, “God, take away my life “I can’t do this anymore.” God didn’t give him pep talk Didn’t say, “Come on, Elijah, cheer up, rough “You know what? “Carmel was pretty good, wasn’t it? Kerith Ravine, that was pretty tasty.” Angels came and cared for him, tenderly They said, “You’re tired “You need to sleep, you need to rest, you need to eat.” And then there’s this beautiful bit in the cave where actually the best translation is when most people say that God spoke to me in a whisper The probably the correct translation, theologians say, is that God spoke to him in the silence God spoke to him in the silence

And he told him, “You are not on your own.” You know, the Psalms, 40% of the Psalms are laments They’re David letting rip at God During lockdown, I read this book, another book I’d recommend, a nice small book, “Paul, a Biography,” by Tom Wright And now Tom Wright is probably seen as one of the world’s leading theologians on Paul And he says in that, you know, probably between one Corinthians and two Corinthians, Paul almost had a breakdown in Ephesus He was struggling like you wouldn’t believe And it was relationship issues It was all sorts of things that was going on So we need to look at this stuff in the context of what scripture really says in some of these areas But for me, I just carried around my shame I was grumpy I was so grumpy I wasn’t sleeping, I was fragile And I guess you get to that point where you think, I actually think that Diane and the kids might be better off if I wasn’t here And I feel weird saying that now, because that was a really lonely place to be And people talk about suicide sometimes as a selfish act But I think you’re full of so much pain And you start to think these things And I ended up in A&E with sharp pains in my chest, and all sorts of things going on And I did tell work, and they were like, “We need to him on a sabbatical.” So I went on this sabbatical, and everyone was like, “Oh, it’s so lovely “You get to hang out with Diane for a couple of months “and do no work.” And the reality was, it was the most difficult two months of my life Diane was picking me up off the floor every single day She is incredible And you know if you’ve read “When Faith Gets Shaken,” she writes a chapter called Secondhand Smoke And the whole idea is secondhand smoke can still kill you Though I was the one struggling, she was struggling And I’m guessing that there’s people watching here or watching this ’cause it isn’t you that’s struggling Maybe you are, but maybe it’s also people you know, your kids, your spouse, your family And it’s hard It affects you But I know for me to get free, well, to get a measure of freedom, I don’t know if I’d say I’m completely free, if I’m honest, is I had to deal with what I described as the root issue And I think the root issue that’s helped me so much is dealing with this issue of shame Now, shame and guilt are two really different things You know, guilt can actually push you to be better sometimes You know, true guilt You keep being late for work I keep saying to my guys, I used to say to them, actually, you know, “If you’re late for work every morning, “I’m quite happy for you to feel guilty about that “because you might get on time next week.” But actually shame is totally different to guilt Shame is believing not that I’ve done something wrong, that I’m wrong Brene Brown says shame loves silence, secrecy, and judgment It can’t stand empathy It can’t stand understanding It can’t stand being spoken about I think the challenge sometimes in our culture is that we always portray everything looks great, particularly in church culture And I’ve realized that culture and church are two different things Culture is the way we do things around here And so actually sometimes it’s our culture that needs to change, I believe You know, there’s some photos that you’ll see here And this is when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge came to visit the charity that I was running I hope you caught those names as they dropped there And you see that Catherine’s wearing this dress, and that was quite an amusing story, actually she turns around to Diane, and she says, “Do you like my dress?” I’m not really sure what you’re meant to say when the Duchess of Cambridge says, “Do you like my dress?” You can’t really go, “No, it’s awful.” You know what I mean? And Diane was like, “Yeah, it’s a really nice stress.” And she went, “Oh, that’s good “William says, I look like a tablecloth.” And if you look at the dress, actually he has a point But you know, I remember these photos They literally went around the world And everyone was texting me going, “Wow, Patrick, you’re so cool “You’re doing so well.” The reality was in his photos I wasn’t doing so well I was anxious like you would not believe And it was nothing to do with the royals It was about health It was about the stuff that was going on in my life It was about feeling ashamed, not being able to talk about my struggles with emotional and mental health And I realized for me that shame was driving this perfectionism, which was driving my anxiety Now, when I talk about perfectionism, I used to think perfectionism was for those kids whose parents put too much pressure on them at school to perform My parents never did that They were really good like that But I realized that actually, that isn’t just what perfectionism is Perfectionism is sort of getting your worth through what you do It’s that striving In fact, I know someone said, I think Anne Wilson said that perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order And I started to realize how perfectionism reveals itself in my life And I’ve done a bit of a list here, and I hope this is helpful and if you want notes from this, then please email us and we’ll get you the notes But perfectionism reveals itself for me

in catastrophic thinking So I don’t know if you’ve ever done this The smallest argument with Diane is the end of our marriage The kids get angry with me because you know, I snap at them sometimes I know you find it hard to believe, but I do And then what I do, is they forgive me, and then I spend like days beating myself up about it You know, a small disagreement at work can play at loop in my head I blow it out of all proportion, and then I’ll go to my colleague, I’ve psyched myself up, and they’re like, I’m sorry, I don’t even know what you’re talking about And they’ve completely moved on and it’s not a big deal It reveals itself in mind reading, you know, and I’m thinking about what other people think of me through this little Zoom call we’re doing tonight And then sometimes if you let your mind go, you think, actually what they’re thinking is not great even though there’s no evidence to suggest that It reveals itself in unrealistic expectations You know, during lockdown, one of my most common feelings was I am a terrible parent ‘Cause I was putting myself under so much pressure I’ve gotta homeschool the kids, I’ve gotta run a charity on mental health, how ironic I’ve gotta do homeschooling, I’ve gotta make sure I do some exercise, and cut yourself some slack Go gently Perfectionism reveals itself in this rigid belief system We use words like I should, I must, I ought, which constantly feels like we’re not measuring up And we have very little flexibility in our thinking And if we miss our self-imposed deadlines, we feel bad We hate making mistakes We live with incredible high standards And instead of seeing actually failure as a necessary step for achievement, our mistakes eat away at us And so it leads to overcompensating, working hard to get everything right, overcompensating in my behavior, pushing myself to the limit, excessive checking I don’t really wanna make mistakes, or let people down, or offend anyone, so I will double-check everything I don’t know many of you double-check your emails, and double-check your texts, and you send a text, and you go, “I’d better double-check that “make sure it’s all right.” And looking for reassurance that my ideas aren’t rubbish Decision making, oh my goodness I’m quite good with big decisions Little decisions, I don’t know what Trying to decide what to watch on Netflix with my family After a while my family just shout at me, going, “We don’t care anymore what we watch “Just choose something!” Receiving feedback Being in the role I do (video freezes) come and speak to me in love And normally when they come and speak to me in love, that’s code for I want to destroy you And they will tell me stuff And most people will be really lovely and gracious But actually the one thing I think when I go to bed that night is the loving Christian It plays on a loop, and then you don’t celebrate your achievements And then lastly, people pleasing Actually, we don’t wanna upset people, so what we do is we rehearse the conversation in our head and then we become so focused on pleasing others, we act differently around different people, which means we’re not actually allowing ourselves to be our true authentic self But what I started to realize is this: is that anxiety, and depression, and these things that are starting to feel didn’t make me an awful person Even though those things felt like that was true I was gonna just watch a little video clip now just to give you a break from looking at my face I find this incredibly helpful This talks about what anxiety can feel like And don’t worry, we are gonna get on to talking about how we can get through some of these challenges as well But check this out This is I’m not enough – [Woman] High-functioning anxiety looks like achievement, busyness, perfectionism When it sneaks out, it transforms into nervous habits Nail-biting, foot-tapping, running my fingers through my hair If you look close enough, you can see it in unanswered text messages, flakiness, nervous laughter, a snake slithering up my back, clamping its jaw shut where my shoulders meet my neck Punch-in-the-gut stomachaches like my body confusing answering email with being attacked by a lion High-functioning anxiety sounds like I’m not good enough I’m a bad friend; not good at my job I’m wasting time; I’m so needy My boyfriend thinks I’m needy Why would I say that? What if they hate it? Why can’t I have my shit together? I’m a fraud, just good at faking it I’m letting everybody down I’m letting myself down Nobody here likes me Bad friend, bad sister, bad daughter Not good enough, not good enough All the while, it appears perfectly calm It’s always looking for the next outlet Something to channel the never-ending energy: writing, running, list-making, mindless tasks, whatever keeps you busy Doing jumping jacks in the kitchen, dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out those thoughts stuck in your head It’s silent anxiety attacks hidden by smiles It’s when answering a text impulsively and thoughtlessly is an act of bravery It’s finding your own humanity in the anxiety In your weaknesses It’s trying to let the energy inspire you instead of bring you down A good first step is staring at it straight on and calling it by its name

– You know that last bit, the first step is looking at anxiety head on and calling it for what it is When I was writing the chapter on anxiety in here, I really wanted a definition, and all the definitions I was finding were quite sort of psychological, and scientific, and stuff, and all okay, but it wasn’t how I felt And then I found this definition, which I think is just beautiful It says this: more than anything else, anxiety is caring It’s never wanting to hurt someone’s feelings It’s never wanting to do something wrong More than anything, it’s the want and the need to be accepted and liked So you try too hard sometimes You try too hard sometimes And then I read this book, it’s called “The Curse of the Strong” about depressive illness And the psychiatrist that wrote it, Tim Cantopher, basically said this He says that he can work out the personal characteristics of someone who suffers depression He said nine times out of 10 the characteristics that someone suffers from depression are these: moral strength, reliability, diligence, strong conscience, a strong sense of responsibility, a tendency to focus on the needs of others before one’s own, sensitivity, vulnerable to criticism, a self-esteem dependent on the evaluation of others People who struggled with this: Oliver Cromwell, Abraham Lincoln, Vincent Van Gogh, Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa; not weak people So I come to the conclusion that depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are not signs of weakness They’re signs of trying to remain too strong for too long And I’m guessing that some people are watching this and anxiety is one of your thing I’m guessing that you’re sensitive, you’re kind, you have incredible empathy You know, anxiety is like a car alarm If it’s going off all the time, it’s tough for you and for everyone else, but we all need anxiety, and I guess it’s learning how we manage it And we have to remove all the stigma around it as well Rick Warren says this, and I think this is so true He says, “It’s not a sin to be sick “Your illness is not your identity “Your chemistry is not your character “Everything in this world is broken because of sin “So why is it that if my liver doesn’t work perfectly, “I take a pill for that, and there’s no shame in that “If my heart doesn’t work perfectly, I take a pill for that, “and there’s no shame in that “If my lungs don’t work perfectly, I take a pill for that, “and there’s no shame in that “So why is it, then, if my brain doesn’t work perfectly “and I take a pill for that, I’m supposed to hide that?” None of these people got better by people telling them “You’ve got to pull yourself together, “and you’ve gotta try harder.” For me, when Caleb was born, that was it That was my last, that was the hardest thing in my life, because we have four kids and the Caleb is our last kid And up to this point, we’ve had difficult pregnancies, and difficult births, but we’d never had a Caesarian section, and Diane lost 2.8 liters of blood in the operation And so she was in the high dependency unit, and Caleb was fine, but Diane, it looked like she was literally, the life had just drained out of her And I think that night, I remember I’d been up about 36 hours I was like, “God, I’m done “I’m done “You obviously don’t like me “I’m totally done “You’ve left me.” And I remember it was half past five in the morning and I went and stood by the window And as I stood by the window, I looked out, and King’s College Hospital in London is opposite the international training college of the Salvation Army And I looked out, and this is what I saw looking back I saw this incredible image of the cross, and the truth hit me again, that God allowed his only son to die the most painful and horrendous death for us, in history Why would he show his love through the ultimate sacrifice only to leave us in our time of need? I need to remember that God was with me, whether I felt him or not That God’s silence doesn’t mean God’s absent That God was actually there He was in the pain He was in the confusion He was in the questions He was in the doubt Not removed from our suffering; but with us He doesn’t promise to sign post us around the valley of the shadow of death But he says, “I’m gonna be there with you.” So after all those experiences, I got to have my operations, hooray This is a picture of my frame, and I’m sorry if you’re a bit queasy and that’s the x-ray, that’s inside my leg, It’s a bit weird showing a picture of the inside of my leg I’m sorry about that And then people were like, “How did your kids cope?” Well, this is Daniel He turned it into a space station, ladies and gentlemen That’s Star Wars Lego right there And then there was Christmas, of course There’s Abigail, as long as her head’s in the photo

And then just before my second operation, Abigail broke her leg Would you believe it? So here we are having a Zimmer frame race down at the end of the garden But you know, during that time, that’s when I got to know the image of Kintsugi And most of you all know that if you break a bowl, we tend to mend it with superglue And the whole idea of superglue is you hide the cracks We pretend it’s all okay And what they do in Japan is they put a gold powder in the glue So instead of hiding the cracks, they make a feature of the cracks And arguably the object becomes more beautiful than it was before It becomes unique There’s not a bowl like it on planet Earth And so that’s what really spoke to me, that beauty can come out of brokenness, and we call our charity Kintsugi Hope because I believe there is hope And just like physical health, with our mental health, we can get better We can forge new mental pathways It is tough It’s hard It takes so much time I think sometimes we do treat prayer a bit like a magic wand, and sometimes it happens like that And I don’t understand why it doesn’t happen like it more, but other times it’s actually an incredible process that we have to go through But what inspires me is I get inspired by the person of Jesus Another book that’s really helped me probably actually more influenced me more than most books is by Philip Yancey, “The Jesus I Never Knew And this was just brilliant And I just looked at the way that Jesus dealt with shame He always dealt with people’s shame before their guilt You know, the woman caught in adultery I mean, imagine that Traumatic memories, rejection, scars, all those feelings have been used and abused by men who could not care less about her Jesus looks at her, basically says, “You’re a child of God “I see you.” Zacchaeus, traitor, hated by all, greedy, lonely, isolated You know, everyone says he was up a tree because he was short Well, there may be some truth in that He was probably up a tree because everyone else hated him And Jesus says, “You better get down “I’m coming to your home for dinner,” which was actually a really intimate thing to do in that culture The child of God My favorite story is the blind man He’s sitting at the side of the road, shouting out, “Son of David, have mercy on me.” You notice he calls Jesus Son of David He knew who Jesus was even though he was blind He knew more than the people that could see Son of David, have mercy on me And everyone tells him to shut up So he shouts even louder Jesus comes over, and now you gotta remember that this man was blind And in that day they believe he was blind because he’d sinned, or his ancestors had sinned And Jesus is like, “You’re asking the wrong question “There’s no cause and effect here.” And they believed he was cursed He was undesirable, he was a pain in the neck He was just the scum of the earth, if you like Jesus says, “What can I do for you?” The first time I read that, I was like, “What’d you expect him to say, Jesus? “He’s got a headache? “Obviously he’s blind, right?” But you know, the fact is Jesus asks an undesirable, a pain in the neck, someone who’s viewed as scum of the earth, “what do you want me to do for you?” In other words, what Jesus did, he gave him dignity He gave him dignity See, you will never look at someone that God doesn’t love And as the church, we can radiate that love to other people You know, don’t get me wrong here We are not called to be mental health experts You know, someone said to me, and this is so true, we say this to our group leaders all the time If you go to hospital ’cause you’ve got cancer, you expect the hospital to provide chemo and radiotherapy But to get through a cancer journey, you need love, fellowship, community, family, relationship And it’s the same with a mental health journey We can’t do what the medical professionals can do We shouldn’t expect to do that But what we can do is we can offer that relationship We can offer that community I’m surrounded by experts I’m not an expert I’ve got like retired GPs are group leaders We’ve got professional counselors We work with Waverley Abbey College who are professional counselors, and with the lead academic there There’s just so many people we’ve got heads of mental health organizations I’m just surrounded by them I’m not it But my job is to provide a safe and supportive space where people can be honest I found there’s three C’s that have helped me And I know that’s a bit sad, but in terms of my mental health recovery And the first one is simply courage, courage to ask for help, to be honest, to be vulnerable, I can think of no other better person on planet Earth to describe this than Brene Brown Just check out this two-minute video – So I think the biggest myth about vulnerability is that it’s weakness I think a lot of people were raised to believe that, it was modeled, I think, certainly in our culture We see that a lot, that to be vulnerable, to be open,

to be exposed, is to be weak And the truth is, what I found in my research is that vulnerability is not weakness In fact, I would argue that it’s our greatest measure of courage When we went out and asked people, what is vulnerability? We heard things like vulnerability is the first date after my divorce Vulnerability is starting my own company Vulnerability is taking responsibility for something that went wrong at work Vulnerability is sitting with my wife who has stage three breast cancer and making plans for our young kids Vulnerability is taking my business public The definition I use in my work for vulnerability is simply uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure Vulnerability is about the willingness to show up and to be seen even when there are no guarantees And it’s interesting to me, I mean, one of the things that I thought was really interesting, I gave a talk, it was probably a couple of years now, and it was being translated by people doing American Sign Language And they came up before the talk started They said, “Are there any words that you’re going use “a lot in your talk that we should know about “that might be different?” I said, “Well, I use the word vulnerability a lot.” And they kind of, there were two of them They kind of looked each other and they said, “Oh we do this for vulnerability.” And I said, “What does that mean?” They said, “It means weak in the knees.” And I’m like, “Wow, that’s not how I talk about vulnerability.” And she said, “Well, there’s only one other sign “for vulnerability.” And I said, “What is it?: And she said And I said, “Oh, that’s what I’m talking about.” And so to me, vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage I mean, it’s pretty powerful when I have 13,000 pieces of data collected over 12 years, that I cannot find a single incident or story of courage that was not completely underpinned by vulnerability I think the problem arises that there are so many little paradoxes with vulnerability and one of them is that vulnerability is courage in you, but weakness in me When I meet you, it’s the first thing I look for in you But it’s the last thing I wanna show you in me And so I think to really put ourselves out there knowing that if we do that enough, we’re going to fail, I just don’t think it gets more courageous than that – So Brene Brown is absolutely incredible, isn’t she? Courage and vulnerability are the same thing To show up and let your true self be seen And I guess one of the things I really struggled was people kept on saying to me, “Patrick, you need to fight it “You need to fight it.” And I get that I don’t want to be that victim mentality, or anything, but what really helped me was realizing that acceptance and resignation are two very different things That actually accepting something means you don’t live in denial It means you don’t suppress pain Resignation is I quit They’re really different things But in order to get better, I needed to have the courage to accept that I wasn’t doing well That it’s okay not to be okay And I found this illustration recently, that really helped me in thinking about grief as well, particularly the grief of my brother dying And I don’t know if you’ve seen this It was on Twitter But it’s grief in a box That basically the ball is grief, right? And we all have a pain button And what happens when something happens, the ball bounces around the box and it smashes into the pain button all the time It just feels overwhelming Over time the ball gets slightly smaller, but not much And it’s still going around the box, and it’s still hitting the pain button regularly After a while the ball gets smaller, but it doesn’t disappear It hits the pain button less regularly, but it still hits the pain button And so I guess now for me that I feel grief is less of stages that I go through, which I know is the traditional way of looking at it And it’s more of something that hits me at different times And instead of beating myself up for not getting through all the different stages that I need to get through and get to acceptance, which is the last phase, is I cut myself some slack and go, “Okay, I get what’s going on.” We need to have courage And the second C I talk about is curiosity Me and my wife, we often talk, say, “Don’t believe everything that you think.” Your illness is not your identity Your mind is not always your friend You know, there’s an illustration I often use, a train coming into a train station You know, like the London Underground, You know, my friend uses this, it’s brilliant And sometimes, you know, we’re told as soon as a negative thought comes into your head, I’ve heard preachers say this, you need to bash it in the name of Jesus But we all know the more you try not to think about something, the more you think about it, right? And he was like, “You can stand there “and you can shout at the train, ‘Train, you will not “‘come here in the name of Jesus!'” The train’s gonna come But actually maybe taking captive every thought is deciding not to get on the train Don’t let that train take you into that really dark place Question the thought is it true? That’s where mindfulness is so important, actually Be really present

Is that true? Is that what God says about me? Is that what my friends would say about me? Or if you get on it, try and get off at the other station And I know it’s hard I know it’s hard Susan David is an absolute genius She’s written this book called “Emotional Agility,” which again, I thoroughly recommend And in it, she talks that our emotions are really important data, telling us that something is going wrong Emotional agility is that pause when we get curious about what they’re trying to tell us, and how we should respond And you know, we try and ignore negative thoughts, the emotions, they become stronger, Telling yourself to cheer you up, crossly demanding what the heck is wrong with you, denying your pain you’re in, or bottling up or brooding on our emotions aren’t helpful Emotional agility is recognizing that these emotions are important signs, data telling us something vital about ourselves, and allows us to examine these emotions rather than responding to them straight away We can then make a decision about which way we want to react, and then hopefully lead us to the life that we want You know, Susan David says, “Stress is that the only thing “that is certainly in life is uncertainty,” particularly at the moment with the whole coronavirus And she said, “As a child, I used to wake at night,” she was scared of death, and her dad used to come up to her and go, “You know what? “You’re never gonna die,” or “You’re never gonna experience loss.” He explained that fear was normal, and that courage isn’t the absence of fear Rather it is fear walking I love this quote It says this I think it’s beautiful “Life’s beauty is inseparable from its frailty “One of the greatest human triumphs “is to choose to make room in our hearts “for both joy and pain, “and to get comfortable being uncomfortable.” To get comfortable being uncomfortable And then the last C: compassion I hated the term self-compassion My counselor, I saw this Christian therapist, she was great, but I was like, she was like, you’ve got to show yourself more self-compassion I was like, “No, I don’t think so “I don’t like baths and candles.” And I hated it It sounded selfish It sounded inward-looking And the first thing I had to discover what self-compassion wasn’t Self-compassion is not the same as self-indulgence In fact, giving myself endless pleasure, more biscuits, more wine, actually makes me feel guilty in the long run The way of showing our kindness to ourselves is by talking to yourself the way that you would talk to your best friend How would I talk to my friends who are struggling? How would you talk to your friend who’s struggling? Encouragement, understanding, empathy, patience, gentleness Instead, we often say things to ourselves that we wouldn’t even dream of saying to someone we don’t even like that much, let alone someone we love Compassion means to suffer with, to be conscious of another’s pain and distress To alleviate that pain A good friend of mine, when I was writing “Honesty Over Silence”, in fact, it was Liza who I write with I was having a bad day and she sent me this The plan is this You do what you can when you can, however you can, with whatever you’ve got And if you can’t, you can’t You rest until you can again You give yourself kindness so your pockets are full, and you reach in, and you pull out a fistful to offer folks along the way Self-compassion isn’t taking the easy way out It’s giving ourselves kindness so we can be kind to others It’s letting go of that critical voice that beats yourself up So how about this? Here’s an alternative voice for you How about saying you’re doing the best you can? How about saying making a mistake does not make you a failure? That struggling makes you human? No one’s perfect It’s okay not to be okay all the time It’s okay if not everyone likes you Oh dear Everyone’s allowed a bad day And you know, sometimes again in church culture, I think we need to accept limitations Limitations aren’t a bad thing You know, I’m of a certain age I’ve got four kids A certain season of life, a certain lack of money in areas we live in, and we all have limitations We don’t need to be all things to all people And this is the key thing that we are not the rescuer And I’ve had to learn this Jesus is the rescuer He’s the rescuer And it’s not me, that I want to bring people to him And I often thought that, if can think about the good Samaritan recently, and how in the West, we always see ourselves, right, as the good Samaritan And Sam Ewell say, “Well, maybe actually we’re the beggar “and Jesus is the good Samaritan.” And actually to allowing him to help us so we can help others So I’m coming, as a conclusion, and I want to leave you with a video, and then I wanna read you some poetry So please stay with me just this extra bit of time But I guess I was reflecting on what is success now for me Kintsugi Hope is beautiful, my family are amazing, but making it the biggest charity in the world is not bothered about that I just want it to make a difference I think success for me is to live by my values It’s not just what we do, it’s the way we do it And it’s about relationship

It’s about community If actually you work every hour God sends you, and you won’t value his relationship, then I suggest you’re not living a successful life My therapist said to me, “What’s the big plan?” And I was like, “I just don’t want to be a git.” I think that’s gonna be the new title of my book, actually I could see all the Christian publishers absolutely loving that title I mean, I’m gonna get chucked out again But I wanna be a decent human being I wanna be someone who loves deeply, who’s non-judgemental, who helps others and tells others that they are not on their own, that you have so much to offer And I’m sorry, I am sorry for some times in the church and I’m one person in the church, how we’ve got it so badly wrong sometimes And if you are struggling, I wanna say there is hope, and I get it We might not get all the answers in this lifetime, but you are totally not on your own And the thing I love about doing this event, and I’m so grateful for your time tonight, I really am And I’m amazed I thought they were gonna be about 40, 50 people and not hundreds that have come on tonight that there is But we’re a community You know, if you’re a Christian, we’re brothers and sisters, right? And we’re family, and you’re not on your own We all feel very similar things And so I want you to know that And so before I read you a little bit of poetry from my friend, and just have one other thing I wanna share with you, is I’d love you to, maybe, just in this moment as we come to an end to watch this video, to read the lyrics, and to realize that no matter what anyone else says that you are loved, and you’re not on your own Check this out (“You Are Not Alone” by Emeli Sande) ♪ Are you sick and tired of being lied to? ♪ ♪ Getting kind of bored of being ignored? ♪ ♪ Can’t find the tribe that you belong to? ♪ ♪ Well, my friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ Are you tired of begging for some answers ♪ ♪ Are you scared you won’t make it out alive ♪ ♪ Does it make you sick when truth is censored ♪ ♪ Well, my friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, don’t fear ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, no way ♪ ♪ There’s plenty more others here, yeah yeah ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ Are you tired of working for the minimum ♪ ♪ Has your heart adjusted to the dark ♪ ♪ Well, does it make you sick they killed an innocent ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ Are you dreaming of a brighter future ♪ ♪ Somewhere the children can be free ♪ ♪ Will you risk it all to tell the truth, yeah ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, don’t fear ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, no way ♪ ♪ There’s plenty more others here, yeah yeah ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ Are you tired of feeling so invisible ♪ ♪ Are you sick of silencing your voice ♪ ♪ Do you still have hope that peace is possible ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, don’t fear ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, no way ♪ ♪ There’s plenty more others here, yeah yeah ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone here ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, no way, no way ♪ ♪ There’s plenty more others here, yeah yeah ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone ♪ ♪ You are not alone ♪

♪ Don’t fear ♪ ♪ You are not alone here, no way ♪ ♪ No way, no way ♪ ♪ There’s plenty more others here, yeah yeah ♪ ♪ My friend, you are not alone ♪ – Hey, thank you ever so much And I’ve been reading the chat Thank you so much to everyone I feel really moved I’m just reading some of your comments and stuff I wanna finish by reading you a poem, and then I just got a couple of other things to say, And yeah, I’ve got my tissues I can never get quite through this I hope I can tonight This is I’m out of the journal, and this is written, and she may even be on the call, but by a beautiful lady called Jane Smith Jane has quite a rare form of blood cancer, and she’s one of the many people that contact me And she sends me poems, and they’re just like the most beautiful thing ever And so we published this one in our journal, and yeah, it’s just sums up I’ve read this poem more than any other poem on earth So here we go It says this: Acceptance in the anguish Beauty in the bruises Belief in the brokenness Breakthrough in the battle Comfort in the conflict Contentment in the confusion Courage in the crisis Determination in the distress Diamonds in the dust Dignity in the disappointment Direction in the difficulty Discovery in the darkness Faith in the fear Please, God, the faith Fortitude in the frustration Grace in the grief Healing in the horror Hope in the hurt Insight into the injury Inspiration in the illness Lessons in the living Love in the loneliness Mercy in the misunderstanding Opportunity in the ordeal Patience in the problems Peace in the panic Perseverance in the perplexity Purpose in the pain Refuge in the regrets Rest in the restrictions Sanctuary in the suffering Serenity in the scars Shelter in the shock Stillness in the storm Strength in the shadows Support in the sadness Treasure in the trials Trust in the trauma, and victory in the vulnerability Wisdom in the weakness That’s our prayer for you Thank you so much for listening It’s been just such a privilege to be here Just to let you know again, if this has highlighted some issues for you, I could really recommend that maybe get in touch with Waverley Abbey College They have a Find a Counselor, a facility there that’s online, and we’ll make sure we get the details up on the chat for you there There’s also the Association of Christian Counselors which do some incredible jobs And so thank you so much Do look at these Other things I really wanted to mention is any book by Will Van Der Hart is brilliant He’s my mate This is one on guilt CWR do these Insight books I’ve read these ones: “Shame,” “Depression,” “Anxiety,” really brilliant books Again, resources that’d be really, really helpful for you And another two that I really wanted to mention was “Learning to Breathe” by my really good friend, Rachel Newham She’s an absolute legend And “Freed from Shame,” from Dawn Holmes Again, just really beautiful people Please, please get in touch with us if you’re interested I’m gonna stay on for a bit and answer questions about Kintsugi groups If you enjoyed tonight, and we haven’t charged for it, but the way, at the moment, Kintsugi’s going, we’ve got no events at all And people say, “Why talk about money?” And it’s simply like this, ’cause I’m embarrassed, but I don’t know what else to do We’re running a charity So what we’re doing is if people give five pound a month, we are giving this book, “Honesty Over Silence” away, “When Faith Gets Shaken” away, just as a thank you So if you wanna do that, you can go on our website And if you do that tonight drop me an email to let me know you do it and I’ll sign these If you’re interested in supporting five or 10 pound a month, you can do that I hope you don’t mind me mention it It’s just hard with the events at the moment Equally, there’s a text thing where you can text, and the donation will go straight through to Kintsugi Hope, which is doing really, really well at the moment We also, hey, check these out Kinsugi face masks, can you believe that? It says “Hope wins.” I got some really funny looks at B&Q today wearing this But yeah, they’re on the shop as well, which also on the website So please do that If you wanna support us monthly or make a donation tonight We would love to see you on the first of November at Speak Honestly And it would be really, really, it’d be very different to tonight, but it’ll be really, really good fun We’d love to see you there

And the other thing is, if you want the notes from tonight, please email Jess I wanna thank Jess, who’s doing the chat She’s next door sorting all the tech stuff out, and her husband, Matt, they’re both brilliant and they’ve been helping us out So thank you so, so much to those guys for being with me tonight and sharing our story If you want a copy of tonight, we did record it And if I’m brave enough, we might put it on YouTube But we’ll definitely put it as a private link for you guys If you can think of someone who you think it might be helpful for And if I’m brave enough to watch it back, then maybe we’ll put it on YouTube I don’t know But I’m gonna pray, and thank you again so much for coming and, and yeah, please hang on If you’ve got some questions around Kintsugi Hope, particularly, and me and Jess will try and answer them Father God, thank you for everyone here, Lord, in their homes, across the UK, and thank you for them Thank you for their stories, thank you for their life Thank you for the way they’ve actually prioritized their mental health tonight to give an hour when they could have been doing so much other stuff And God, I pray, I pray God that they would go to bed tonight knowing that they are not on their own, that they are loved, that they are cared for that I pray God that something would have just shifted in their head Lord, that they would show themselves some self-compassion, they’d get curious about their thoughts, and there’d be courage, courage to allow other people in God, I pray that you’d help us to be the people who aren’t the rescue, who point people to you because you are the inspirational one We are just the broken pots, but that’s okay We’re all right with that And so God, we pray be with us, we pray Be with these people, we pray in Jesus name Amen Amen Amen Great Well, we’re done Thank you ever so much I’ll read all the chat, don’t worry Again, do go on the website if there’s any other stuff there that will help you in your walk, working this through And so this is official end, but I’m gonna go on the chat Jess will be on the chat if anyone’s got any questions about the Kintsugi groups, particularly, ’cause I know some people been asking about that, we can answer those and we’ll give you a couple of minutes to ’cause I don’t wanna do a sales pitch for people that don’t wanna hear it So thank you again so much God bless you Oh, I need to say the music, everyone keeps asking about the music Emeli Sande’s new album, “Real Life.” Oh, my goodness It is just good for your soul You can download it off iTunes It’s absolutely brilliant That song at the end was, I think it was track number three or four Go and listen to it in bed tonight It’ll do you good Good night God bless (mellow techno music)