– [Announcer] This original WSRE presentation is made possible by viewers like you Thank you ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On Nightmare Theatre – Listen, I’m telling you, Mittens, it was a great movie See, folks in Atlanta wanted a particular beer, but it was only available in Texarcana So they hired this guy named the Bandit to go get it, and a cop named Smokey chases him all the way, oh, we’re on Hello there, and welcome to another edition of Nightmare Theatre I am, as always, your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren, and I’m here with Mittens the werewolf And as usual, we’re waiting for my manservant, El Sapo di Tompesto to arrive with tonight’s movie I’m not sure where he could be He never seems to be around when we need him, does he? I just can’t find– – Hello – Here we go – Hey boss, hey Mittens, how are you fellas doing today? Sorry I’m late, the line down at the foot doctor was very long today – The foot doctor? Is there something wrong with your feet? – No, no, my feet are fine I was just hanging out, you know, reading the magazines and looking at the posters What’s going on with you fellas? – I hesitate to ask, because I think we know the answer, but while you were out, did you happen to pick up a movie for tonight’s show? – No I did not However, I think I know where I can get one In the meantime, can you use this? I found it propping up a table leg in the waiting room Can you show this while I run and grab something? – (sighing) Let me see Chapter seven, here we go again, of The Phantom Creeps This one’s called The Menacing Mist And then of course it’s gonna be followed by a Popeye cartoon I can’t say either of these sound great, but let’s give it a shot So sit back, relax, enjoy a great cartoon from almost 100 years ago, and The Phantom Creeps, here on Nightmare Theatre (ominous music) (groaning) – He’s got him! One by one, my enemies will be disposed of, until I’m master of the universe! – Someone else is coming – They must not find our robot – Oh, Bob! Bob! – Close it – Coming to, is he? Well, my invisible gas and the z-ray will take care of him and the others Get them – Maybe one of Dr Zorka’s spiders bit him

– He’d be in a comatose state if that were so – If you kill them, the police will trace them here You can escape with your shadow belt, but I’ll be done for They’ll send me back to Alcatraz – That’s where you belong You left this condenser loose! Some more of your carelessness! – Bob, Bob! What was it, what happened? – Iron man, he attacked me – There’s no one here but us, Lieutenant David – Captain West must have dreamed that iron man – He knew what he was talking about, all right – [Monk] I’m free, Dr. Zorka! I’m stronger than you now, stronger than the police You’ll never make a slave out of me again (laughing) – Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if Dr. Zorka did have some kind of mechanical man hidden here – Well, we’ll find out soon enough Let’s get him over to Dr. Mallory’s right away – You traitor You had been sprayed with my invisible gas Get up on your feet! You belong to me You can never escape me Go! – They’re gone Do you see what your treachery has cost me? – They’ll come back They know what you have here They’ll ransack the place, and they’ll find me! – They will not find you, nor my meteorite We’re changing headquarters today Go and prepare for my situational materials – It’s not suspended animation, only a slight concussion He’ll be all right in a little while – Then I can go on to headquarters You fellas stay with Bob, you’ll hear from me later – He’s reviving – We’ll rent an office near the Department of Military Intelligence I shall operate as Dr. Zane – I’m convinced that Dr. Zorka’s alive, and out at his house The robot was manipulated by someone – I don’t remember Dr Zorka ever referring to a robot during the time we were associated But there were many things he kept secret from me – Well, that’s for us to find out Where’s Jim? – Went back to headquarters – Well, I’ll join him, then we’ll head to the Zorka house What that place needs is a good spring cleaning – Take it easy, Bob – Oh, I’m all right Let’s go – I found just the kind of office you want – Has it a good vault to protect my meteorite? – Yeah, and it’s on the floor with the International School of Languages – Oh, a language school A spy’s headquarter, eh? – Yeah – Good I can keep an eye on them also

We will move in at once We must insulate our new vault so that my meteorite shall be just as safe here as it was in my secret laboratory Come Perfect insulation Enough to protect my most powerful devices (typewriters clacking) – Find out anything about those gadgets in Dr. Mallory’s bag? – A report just came in from the chemist This, he says, is a neometer, an instrument that reacts to the presence of magnetized or radialized substances – Say, that’s just the thing we need to locate Dr. Zorka’s mysterious box – Exactly Now, you take this back to Zorka’s, and if his box is anywhere in the neighborhood, you should know it – Hold on there This needle’s going a mile a minute – It’s pointing to that door – Monk’s in there – We better mask before we go in – [Zorka] Monk? We must be entirely moved by morning – Monk – What do you want? – It ain’t Monk – Whoever it is, he’s got the stuff we’re after Come on, now, spill it Where’s that box? – I don’t know what you’re talking about – That’s a pretty good disguise, Monk, but you’re gonna tell us where the box is hidden – I don’t know – You’re lying Look at this neometer – Monk! (gasping) Monk! Monk, where are you? – That’s the stuff we want, all right Now you get going I’ll lock this guy and Monk in the vault til we can get back – See you upstairs, boys – Thanks, Jean, you were swell See ya later – Oh, but I’m not leaving – I’m gonna have to ask you to leave us right here From now on, things have to move fast and dangerously – That suits me My editor hired me because I move fast and I’m not easily scared – Look, if you really wanna help, suppose you stay down here and keep your eyes open Somebody may have followed us – Okay, Captain – Take this downstairs and wait for me We’ve got to get it to the chief before he sails I’ll radio him and be right with you – I hope Rankin makes it snappy The chief wants to sail in 15 minutes, and Pier 15’s a long way from here – Well, the sooner I get rid of the dynamite in this bag, the better I’ll feel – Come on, we might as well wait in the car – Bob, look at the way this neometer’s acting – Say, that needle’s hopping all over the place There must be something around here that’s attracting it – Maybe it’s those neon lights across the street – Two men just left that building They said something about having dynamite in a bag and going to Pier 15 – So what? I hope they throw all the dynamite off the pier – Those fellas look familiar – All right – I think you’ve got something there, Jean, thanks – I’m going with you – Now wait a minute You get back to your typewriter, Girl Scout You’ve done your good deed for today – Look, if you really wanna help out, go up to my office and tell them to warn the harbor police about Pier 15 – Let, let me out!

Let me Doctor, Doctor Zorka! Doctor, Doctor! – My meteorite, where is it? It’s gone – We’re locked in, we’ll suffocate! – No, no one’s going to die Excepting my enemies Stand back Science and genius combined There’s nothing that can withstand its power Get out Who were those men? – They sounded like spies But their faces were strange – Masks How did they find us? – They had the neometer with them – They couldn’t have, unless you gave it to them – Well, they must’ve stolen it from Mallory – In any event, we can’t remain here Start packing (siren blaring) – All right, let’s hear your story – Government business, officer I’m Captain West, DMI This is Lieutenant Daly – Hello – Imperative that we get to the docks at once – All right, Captain (ship’s bell clanging) – Half an hour since Rankin radioed – There’s a heavy fog on shore too, sir Maybe they got tangled up in traffic – Go to the wireless room, tell Drake to get a message through to His Highness Tell him we’ve got Zorka’s stuff – Yes, sir – I’ll park the car and meet you at the motorboat – Hey! Just a minute You can’t go out on the pier tonight, police orders – Police orders, huh? – Yeah – Well, you’re talking to the police now – Oh yeah? – Sure He’s an officer of the DMI Show him your credentials, Captain – What’s wrong? – Who are you? – We’re government men, talk fast – Oh yeah? That’s what the guy said who just slugged me – Which way did they go? – That way, I heard them start the boat – What boat? – The tether for the White Rose She’s anchored out there – Thanks – Get that box below into the safe We’ll weigh anchor immediately – Smith is still ashore, he had to park the car – We can’t wait Luck’s with us If this fog holds up, we’ll be well out to sea by morning – They took the meteorite to the yacht If it gets to their prince, it’ll mean war – With this fog getting thicker, we couldn’t fire on ’em even if we did see ’em – You take a Coast Guard cutter I’ll get a plane at the naval base and drop a flare to guide you – You can’t take a plane up in this fog – I’ve got to We can’t let them get away with Zorka’s discovery – I hear a plane Do you suppose they’re following us? – How could they? Control your nerves, Rankin We’re on our way to big money and world conquest His Highness knows how to appreciate the kind of service we’re giving him – They are following us!

– I believe you’re right Get the rifles – Yes, sir – It’s a flare They’re coming back – Come on, Captain, full speed ahead They’ve spotted us (gunshots) – His motor’s dying! (dramatic music) Hello, and welcome back! I know you’re all just dying to get to that Popeye cartoon, but I thought I’d take this time to remind you that you can visit us at Nightmare Theatre dot com Tell us what you’d like to see in future episodes Ask about Mittens’ secret grooming tips! Find out about El Sapo’s bowling scores, heck, maybe even his golf handicap! Who knows? We may even email YOU back! (lighthearted music) (horn tooting) (dramatic music) – Looks, Olive! A ship! (triumphant music) – Oh, Popeye, now I can go home and watch television! Popeye, where is everybody? – [Popeye] Ahoy! Any swabs aboard? – [Olive] Yoohoo! Anybody home? – Blimey, mateys! We’ve been boarded! – Don’t worry, Olive I can gets us back to civilization – Back to civilization? – After all these years? – They can’t do this to us! – I say, we’ve got to get rid of them (playful music) (laughing) – Oh my gosh! (laughing) Whoa! (splashing)

– Popeye! (groaning) Help! Popeye! Help, Popeye! (spluttering) – You’re okay now, Olive I’ll go steers the ship – There’s something very fishy about this ship (screaming) Ghosts! – But Olive, there’s no such thing as ghosts (gasping) Ow, ow, ooh, stop! – Popeye! (shouting) – Walk the plank! – Throw them to the bloomin’ fish! (shouting) – The blighter’s gone! – He’s disappeared, he is! ♪ The ghosts you did finish ’cause you ate your spinach ♪ ♪ I’m Popeye the Sailor Man (horn tooting) – Well, I hope you folks enjoyed that more than I did Boy, another plane crash in The Phantom Creeps Now, what do you think the odds are that the man’s gonna somehow miraculously jump outta the plane just before impact? I wonder And speaking of wondering, where’s El Sapo? He should have our movie by now – Hey fellas, I don’t want to alarm you, but I heard some weird sounds down in the basement I could’ve sworn I heard something down there, but I think I did find a good movie, and it fits in with my morning at the foot doctor Check it out, it’s called The Killer Shoes – Let me see that Maybe you should’ve gone to the eye doctor instead This says The Killer Shrews, and it is not a good movie Good gravy, I know this movie all too well It was directed by Ray Kellogg – The cereal guy! – Sure, maybe Who knows Ray Kellogg also directed The Green Berets, starring John Wayne This film, unfortunately, stars James Best, who went on to play Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane on The Dukes of Hazzard, and the great Ken Curtis, who played Festus on Gunsmoke – Wow, with a star-studded cast like that, this movie is gonna be great! – Well, it made a good amount of money, if that counts This film was a companion piece to The Giant Gila Monster, and there’s no real way to describe what you’re about to see other than to jump right in with both feet So let’s start The Killer Shrews, here on Nightmare Theatre NARRATOR: First in Alaska and then Invading steadily southward, there Were reports of a new species The giant killer shrew [THUNDER] Sure is a lot of quiet out there

Almost smell it, can’t you? No, I but I can feel it That pressure’s dropped so fast it’s almost made my ears pop Hurricanes got definite ways of telling you it’s there Where is it? Dead ahead What’s that mean to us? Now boy, that puts our port right in the middle of it There’s a cove on the east side though We’ll snuggle up close to the bluff and ride it out What about the bottom? Well, the chart shows it’s good holding ground It’s clay You know something? If this thing had an automatic pilot, I wouldn’t have to put up with you Then you wouldn’t have nobody to chew out We should be there in a couple of hours These mills of yours keep running Look, automatic pilots can’t play dixieland jazz On them engines like I can Hey, Rook Rook, come here Take a look There she is, dead ahead Man, that sure do look good Man named Craigis owns this island, does he? That’s the name on the crate, Dr. Marlowe Craigis We’ll unload tomorrow I don’t want this crap sitting high in that water When that blow hits You going to ride stern too with a lot of water under? That’s right That sea won’t make up in that cove That wind will have her whipping around like a kite Slip forward and break out the heavy weather hook Check it and make sure it’s free to run – I don’t mind, sir – Good Ah, she’ll ride like a duck If she swings too far to starboard We might have to take a check line to shore Hey Rook, take a slant up that trail Now that’s a rather strange set up, wouldn’t you say? Looks like somebody’s getting rid of somebody, huh captain? Maybe Hard to tell I’m Dr. Craigis Thorne Sherman I have your supplies aboard That’s good Nothing wrong with Captain Ferguson, I hope? I wouldn’t know I just bought his run Oh, I see Were you able to fill my order? Everything on the list Here’s the manifest Missing last week’s supply has run us a little short, You know Captain, after you have unloaded, I have a passenger for you Ann Captain Sherman, this is my daughter, Ann Craigis Hello So you’re the passenger That’s right, Captain Well, it’s going to be nice having you aboard I’m getting a little tired of looking at Griswold But we’re, uh, we’re not leaving today In fact, we’re not even unloading That load will cut the roll in half You expecting an invasion? Yes, animals Game or otherwise? Under certain conditions it could be dangerous Hey Rook, you want to shake the kinks out, limber up a little? Not me, Captain You go right ahead and stretch your legs That ship’s going to be bucking like a bucking bronco Before long Besides, I got some work left to do If you do come ashore, wear a gun

Got you, Captain When I told you about the hurricane, You acted like you didn’t know anything about it What’s the matter? Your set broken down? We have been out of communication for more than a Week, Captain Can’t it be fixed? It’s totally out of commission My assistant, Mr Farrell, Jerry Farrell Father, perhaps the captain would enjoy a drink Well of course Will you join us for a cocktail? Well, I’ve never been known to turn down a drink yet I’d be glad to accept Fine In that case we’ll have martinis Mario Si, senor? Mix them, please Right this way, Captain Come in You have everything here you need? We are self sufficient here We have cows for fresh milk and chickens for fresh eggs We even have saddle horses Sort of a world all your own That’s exactly what I’ve tried to create Well, to each his own If you have to be isolated for your work, You picked a lonely little island Excuse me, please, I think I’ll change She’s a little worried because you Aren’t leaving until tomorrow Well, I can understand that But there’s something else bothering her Radford Radford Radford, would you please step over here? I’d like you to meet someone Just a second, Doctor That could go on for hours Dr. Baines There’s no need to shout, Doctor, I’m right here I’d like you to meet Captain Thorne Sherman This is my other assistant, Radford Baines How do you do? Two new litters since lunch, Doctor Both support GT116 That’s good, but, uh We can breed them to the 205 group in about three weeks But I’d prefer to wait and expose about half of them To the Hoskins factor first If you agree Good idea Do you know there’s a hurricane coming? Hurricane? Well, I don’t suppose there’s much we can do about that Glad to meet you Sherman, was it? You have to excuse Radford Anything that does not concern his Project cannot get through to him Brilliant mind He would starve to death if someone Didn’t remind him to eat Must be very interesting work What’s his field? Biology He specializes in genetics, heredity I’m afraid my interest doesn’t run in that line, you know Think what would happen if you could isolate and identify The inherited trait in each gene Now wait a minute I’m afraid I’m not very good with pure research This is practical research Dealin with mammals, the smaller the size, the higher The metabolism and shorter the life span Is that right Well, I’m attempting to decrease the size By maintaining a low metabolism and result In a longer lifespan What reason? Overpopulation Not a problem now, but it will be in time Father, may I speak with you a moment? Will you please excuse us, Captain? Well, providing you drop the captain I prefer Thorne Tell me something, Doctor Has a hurricane ever hit this island before that you know of? I wouldn’t know

We’ve only been here nine months and this place Has been unoccupied for years Well have you ever been through one? Only the fringes Well, this one’s building up very fast Pressure drops very quickly in the center I’d advise you to get some doors and windows open in this place Ventillators in the roof And if you’ll freshen Ann’s drink I’ll go and check them I’d be happy too Thank heavens you arrived today Why, are rations getting short? No, it’s more than that Much more We’ll surely be able to sail tomorrow, won’t we? Possibly But not probable Not until late, anyway Takes a long time for a sea like that to quiet down Well if you’re worrying about me, you needn’t I’m a good sailor Oh, I’m not worried about you We’ll sail when the time’s right Got them opened all right Oh, Captain, let me freshen you a drink One for the road Not trying to rush you, but it will be dark soon I’ve invited Thorne for dinner, father Oh? I see If you’re not worried about your ship, you are welcome I’ll take a rain check on that dinner If you wish Father I’ve asked Thorne to stay Progress, Doctor This is the sole survivor of group 30 28 months old today Well that’s equivalent to 140 years to us That’s right Yet it still maintains low metabolism Without any sluggishness It’s not a breakthrough, but it certainly sets our course Radford, suspend series 52 through 96 And we’ll concentrate on the rest What is that? It’s a sorex soricidae Looks like a small rat Smells like a skunk They have musk glands in their knees These little fellas are our subjects They have a birth cycle of 10 to 14 days and using them We can establish traits We can trace the progressions through a number Of generations over a short period of time Well how big do they get? That’s an adult See, the muzzle is long and thicker than a rat’s It extends over the lower mandible, see? Does he bite? Only when he is hungry Well, maybe you’d better take him He doesn’t know me All he knows is his next meal He’s just been fed He’ll be all right for another eight hours [CRASHING] [SCREAMS] A shutter blew open Radford I got it, senor Don’t let that scare you It’s going to get worse Storms always frighten her, ever since she was a child They are not climbers They are digging animals, like the mole They feed only at night unless they are starving And when they are hungry enough, they’ll Tackle anything regardless of size No kidding If you leave two of them in a cage for 12 hours without food, The stronger will eat the weaker Like cannibals Precisely You see, their intense activity requires A tremendous amount of energy To supply, they must eat three times their own weight in food Every 24 hours or starve Radford Radford, would you please take this? Take him Some call them bone eaters When the flesh is gone, they’ll eat the bones for marrow All they leave are teeth, horns, hooves I could use another martini Do you mind? Of course, my dear I’ll get you one There you are Mario? Mario Mario will show you to the bath And you will freshen up a bit [SPEAKING SPANISH] [SPEAKING SPANISH] Excuse me [SPEAKING SPANISH]

You got a problem too? Que paso? [SPEAKING SPANISH] But you will leave on the ship tomorrow Well, I think that all depends on the wind and the sea, Don’t you? Si Si senor I don’t know Ah, you make joke I feel the point I see Well, I’m glad to hear that Now if anybody else is concerned about my sailing Tomorrow, why, you see they feel the point too, huh? I don’t like to repeat myself OK, senor – Well, hello and welcome back We hope you’re enjoying the film so far We aren’t, but we hope you are – Boss, before we get to that, I have a question What exactly is a shrew? I thought they were tiny little things like mice – Well, they are A normal shrew is small, like your brain, but these shrews are big, like my brain – Well, for this movie, where on earth did they find shrews that big? – You know, those are just dogs with wigs on, dummy Shrews don’t really get that big At least not any more – So you’re saying they used to get that big? – Well, sure they did But they haven’t had any like that around for years Although I seem to remember something Here, let me see Yeah, the previous occupant left me this note Let me read it to you “The station is almost killer shrew free “There are a few down in the basement, “but they keep to themselves “They keep the rodent population down “They won’t bother you unless you do “the one thing that they hate.” – Did they say what that one thing is? – “The killer shrews cannot stand masks “If they see a man in a mask, “they will immediately attack him.” – A mask like mine? – I’m afraid so, Sapo But you really have nothing to worry about You should be fine Say, while we return to The Killer Shrews, why don’t you go down to the basement and get us some snacks? – The basement? Where that man said the shrews still live? – Sure, yeah – Okay – I’m making the whole thing up He’s so gullible, Mittens Sit back and enjoy more of The Killer Shrews here on Nightmare Theatre I know, but I’m not saying that you created them, Jerry I am saying that because of your drunken stupidity In leaving the cage door open, you Created the horrible situation that now exists Look, Ann, this is a mistake any one of us might have made And I’m getting a little sick of being called An irresponsible drunk, now believe me I am Excuse me Care for a cigarette? Thanks And thank heavens you arrived today You said that before What’s the strain? If I don’t make sense, please excuse me But it seems like everything is coming to a head at once Oh? I want to leave, but I want my father to go with me Well then, why doesn’t he? We’ve discussed it many times, but he’s adamant I’m sure Jerry has a lot to do with his decision He tried to convince me that the crisis Will only last for a few Well This is certainly a cozy little scene Might even be called intimate Boy meets girl Stop it, Jerry That remark is uncalled for What I do or have to say does not concern you I can’t disagree with you more, my dear I’m concerned with everything you do And I intend to keep it that way Now on my book an engagement isn’t a casual thing In my book it isn’t either And last night ended ours [SHREWS CHATTERING]

[GUNSHOTS] [THUNDER] [THUNDER] [SHREWS CHATTERING] Help! Help! Captain Thorne! Somebody help! Help, Captain Thorne! [THUNDER] Be reasonable Everybody in the world is scared to death of something That’s evident When they came at us last night you Knocked me down getting inside the fence It’s just that I can’t stand them And I’ve discovered something I can’t stand All right But I advise you not to mention it to anyone I’m going to complete these experiments with your father Regardless of anything, do you understand that? Nobody is going to take this chance away from me Where’s Captain Sherman? Checking the weather I’ll get him Captain? Time for dinner [SHREWS CHATTERING] Help! Somebody! Help! Help me! No! Somebody! Help! [GUNSHOTS] Help! Somebody help me! Help me! [SCREAMS] [SCREAMING] [THUNDER] Well, a miss as good as a mile, I always say And if one of those trees crashes through It might just knock the whole Look, any tree on this side of the house Will fall away from us, so just relax But I think I’d better go back aboard Don’t think I’m not grateful for your hospitality I am I’ll see you tomorrow Thorne Your ship is safe Please, stay here with me Why? You scared or lonesome? Both I’ll take a rain check on it Thorne You can’t leave No one opens that gate after dark Well, who’s going to stop me? You? With this No one opens that gate at night [SHREWS CHATTERING] Look, I don’t ask questions because it’s Against my principles But wouldn’t you like to explain that? All right Sit down and I will Give me the gun Not very becoming, anyway Do you believe in fairy tales? Well, I’m a little old for that sort of thing, But what did you have in mind? Well I’ll tell you about one A true fairy tale, and you’re right in the middle of it Oh? Have you ever heard of a shrew? As in “Taming of the” No, the animal Radford called them sorex soricidae When he showed you one Well, then shrew must be the common name For those cute little animals Cute? That’s the last word you can use to describe Those little monsters They’re the most horrible animals On the face of the earth As father told you, they breed within three weeks after birth Their lifespan is one year Yeah, I know what your father told me But what’s that got to do with me opening that gate? There are 200 or 300 giant shrews out there Monsters weighing between 50 and 100 pounds 50 to 100… wait a minute You must be kidding I’m definitely not kidding That’s as big as a full grown wolf And what’s more, they are beginning to starve No wonder you didn’t want me to go out there Thanks for saving my skin

And I’m sorry I had to threaten you with a gun But I didn’t know how else to stop you It was very effective But all you had to do was tell me about them I hoped I wouldn’t have to But you changed everything when you started to leave And I had to stop you some way You say there’s 200 or 300 out there? Ann That’s right, Captain Thorne And if you’d stuck with your row boat And played captain instead of trying to play detective, You wouldn’t have to worry about how many are out there, Would you? That’s enough, Jerry What’s wrong, Ann? Thorne decided to leave To dissuade him I started to tell him about the shrews He might as well know the whole story as half of it I guess we’re all a little jumpy, captain I’m sorry Six months ago we managed to isolate The path to controlling size Two litters were born Six individuals kept for study They were about the size of buckshot at birth But the rate of growth was abnormal They continued to grow and grow They were mutants But they inherited all the negative characteristics Of their breed Somehow they managed to escape About a month later we saw one of their offspring They were multiplying We did everything in the world to exterminate them, But no apparent luck Then we haven’t seen any since daylight blinds them and they Forage only at night unless starving But the fact that two of them charged Ann and Jerry At the gate last evening indicates That their available food on the island is nearing depletion Then what, Doctor? They will exterminate each other It will take a couple days And what do we do during that time? Stay indoors and wait until it’s over I guess some wires blew down on the transformer I’m sorry I’ll get some lamps Mario Mario Si, senor? There’s a lantern in the pantry Light it and bring it in here Radford, light all the candles you can find All right, I will Where’s the generator? Outside Can’t get at it at night Here, let me help A lantern will give you all the light you need I will join you shortly, Jerry [THUNDER] (energetic spooky music) So all I’m saying is if your kid gets sucked into the TV, just move out of the house – Get a new TV – Forget it, get a new kid Oh, hello, welcome again Welcome, everyone We’re back here, down in the, I’m gonna count it again Sub, sub, sub, sub basement, here at the TV studio, with our friend the curator, and of course he’s got another item from the Merrill Movie Museum that we’re gonna be highlighting tonight So without further ado, take it away, sir – So this is one of the many Vogons that appear in the movie version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy This in particular is Counselor Warts But they made individual Vogon heads for each of the Vogon characters These were made by the Jim Henson Creature Shop, in fact, the last major project they worked on in the London shop before it was closed – And of course everyone knows the Jim Henson Company, because Henson, of course, The Muppets, I think we’re all familiar with them But they did a lot of other work as well out in the special effects and props and makeup world and all of that – Yeah, some of the most detailed puppets you’ll ever see And this is, if you can call a Vogon beautiful, this is one of the most beautiful things – And look at how articulated this is This is just beautiful – Why thank you, El Sapo – Oh, I’m sorry, it came off in my hand, I’m sorry – I was kidding the whole time, that was a little joke there, a little joke – But the Henson company worked on a lot of different sci fi properties, didn’t they? Because they made films like Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal,

the series Farscape, and so this was just a natural progression for them, and they kept building more and more elaborate things as they went along – Yes, yes, and this is, as you can see, very detailed We can show the workings inside, actually, as you’ve seen the eyes and the mouth moving, but they’re all works inside there to make all that happen So on screen, an actor would be holding it in front of him – It’s kind of an improvement, you know what I’m saying? – You should put it on permanently That looks a lot better, I gotta tell you It really does – But The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a long history as well Written by the great Douglas Adams, first adapted as a radio play in the United Kingdom Consistently ranked as one of the most-read books by teenagers in the world, and then of course there was a television series in the 80s that was based on the books, and then of course this film, which was really a big-budget Hollywood kind of production Much different than what they had done on television, with no budget, before – Yes, film starring Martin Freeman and Zooey Deschanel, most off, and Academy Award winner whose name I just, oh, Sam Rockwell – Yeah, Sam Rockwell, from a lot of movies and everything, from the crazy stuff like Charlie’s Angels to a solo performance like Moon, that was unbelievable So yeah, and just amazing stuff So when they do something like this, who performs these kind of things? Is it somebody who’s kind of a puppeteer, is it somebody who’s kind of an actor, what are they? – You may have both, in some cases You may have a puppeteer that’s operating the puppet and an actor that’s doing the voice You may have, in some cases, like in Hitchhiker’s, a great example is Marvin the Paranoid Android The figure was performed onscreen by Warwick Davis, who you of course know from Star Wars and Willow, and a great number of things But they actually used Alan Rickman for the voice of the character So you may have one actor providing the voice and another actor or a puppeteer operating the character – So it’s pretty amazing the way it all comes together onscreen You never know, it’s completely seamless – [Curator] Sometimes multiple puppeteers are necessary, depending on the character – Right, right Well, that’s a fascinating thing Thank you again for bringing us such a wonderful piece, and why don’t you folks get back to the movie here on Nightmare Theatre [SHREWS CHATTERING] [HORSE NEIGHING] I love an open fire, don’t you? Mm-hmm The wind has a lonesome sound, doesn’t it? Sure does Back in Sweden we don’t have a wind this strong You’re a strange man, Thorne I never met anyone like you Oh? You seem so disinterested in everything Aren’t you the least bit curious? Don’t you wonder about the unusual things around here? The guns, the fence, shattered windows, my accent, anything? I’ll tell you something I’m only interested in anything that concerns me, Then I do something about it [HORSE NEIGHING] You’re going to sail with me tomorrow whether your father Intends to or not [HORSE NEIGHING] Thorne, no! Father! Rad! Out there I don’t think he was going out, Jerry I couldn’t take a chance He’s fool enough to Don’t be stupid I had no intentions of going out there and opening That gate unless somebody needed it Did you hear it, Doctor? Sounded like a human voice I was thinking of Rook It was the livestock The shrews got into the barn What was it, father? The livestock Did Mario forget to bar those doors? No I put them in the barn myself They couldn’t get through the wood doors They dug through the dirt floor Let me ask you something, Doctor How could you expose all our lives, yourself included, With those things out there? All you had to do was get the Coast Guard or the Navy To come in here and burn them out Those things got loose Any unusual experiment can produce unusual results

That’s why I chose this island It’s isolated Miles of open water in any direction Our project is privately financed It’s not a product for the government or military And the world is no danger This species does not swim And as far as the shrews are concerned, This island is their world Very soon, right here on this island, There’s going to be a miniature reproduction Of an overpopulated world And you’ll see the importance of what we’re working to avoid I’m not concerned about all this theory What I’m concerned about is our lives There’ll be ample time to panic when they run out of food And go on a 24 hour forage How do you know they haven’t already? That’s possible Their main diet has been small animals on the island That source could have been depleted 18 or 20 hours ago And that’s why they went after the livestock There’s still some food on this island Before they reach the crisis Where? No worry about them digging in here The floors are tile But the walls aren’t, Doctor They’re adobe Our safest bet would be on that boat You may be right You can reach your boat in daylight The shrews will gorge themselves on livestock That will keep them lethargic for several hours There’s no sense looking at the dark side And there’s no sense minimizing a serious situation It leaves you completely unprepared to cope with it Now we certainly can’t make it tonight That’s out of the question Maybe tomorrow I have it We’ll get some sleep tonight, but we’ll Have a watch, an hour and a half apiece Doctor, you go first, and then Radford, Mario, Jerry, And then me Shutter all the windows Make sure they’re locked good and tight Check all these walls Come now No, I think I’ll stay here by the fire I feel safer I couldn’t stand it in that room alone All right As you wish But try to get some sleep I will [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Senor Farrell, it is Mario You are next to make the patrol, no? (SLURRING) Sure, Mario, come on in Been waiting for you to finish I must have dozed off You kind of startled me Sit down Here Have a drink It’ll help you to relax Gracias, senor Sit down Rest a while You just checked every room in the house, didn’t you? Si Fine You’re a good man, Mario A man that can be trusted You know what I’ve been thinking about, Mario? Ann and that captain You and me Imagine an intelligent girl like her going For a common sea tramp like him I know why You do too In case anything goes wrong she’s Looking out for her own hide That’s why I keep thinking about you and me Anything goes wrong, we’re going to outlast them all [THUNDER] I’m going to trust you to take my turn At patrolling the house But when you finish, don’t wake the captain Come back here and get me I’ll probably feel good enough by then to take his turn OK, Mario? Si OK [SHREWS SQUEAKING]

Senor, it is Mario Mario Come on in What is it? [SPEAKING SPANISH] A shrew in the cellar? Si I hear him singing down there Well how did he get in? The storm break out the kitchen window But I close it off He went down there Why should he go down there? The food for the livestock I put it out for them They love it Well did you tell Jerry? No, senor It is your turn next Here is the flashlight We kill him, no? Yeah Ann Ann, wake up A shrew got in It’s all right He’s down in the cellar Now, we’re going down after him But I don’t want you to let anybody Open that door until I tell you to You understand? Good girl OK Open it just a crack Open it Hold on to it OK Take that side Mario? [SPEAKING SPANISH] You see anything? I see where he was I do not see where he is [SPEAKING SPANISH] Si, senor I will be careful [GUNSHOT] [SPEAKING SPANISH] Here, let me fix that [SHREW SQUEAKING] [GUNSHOT] You all right down there? Doctor, get down here quick Mario! He… he’s dead Dead? I got this on him right away

He couldn’t have bled to death Might as well let go of it Won’t do him any good now What could have killed him? I’m not certain Until the autopsy Hemotoxic syndrome I’m afraid so We’ll know after pathology Doctor, that’s not the same animal you showed me That’s a monster As I said, they are mutants In controlling the size factor, we Seem to have crossed some of the other characteristics Well, you certainly did a good job of it I’ve known that for some time, Captain Would you please give me a hand with Mario? Radford, bring up the animal Extremely high poison content in the shrew’s saliva Mm-hmm Now compare it with this Careful count isn’t necessary Any indication the same poison in Mario’s blood Will give you the answer Yes, you’re right Look, Ann Brooding about it’s not going to do any good Now why don’t you try to think of something else? Tell me, what do you do around here? Are you a scientist? I’m a zoologist Oh? That’s the study of animal life, isn’t it? Well, do you specialize? What do you specialize in? Their diet I had a hand in this too I’m partly to blame [SHUTTERS RATTLING] [SPEAKING SWEDISH] If we ever get off this island, I’ll never have anything to do with it again What will you do? Live normally, like normal women do May seem a little dull after the life I’ve been living But I’d rather dull and alive than excited and I’d take a dull alive woman every time Say, Thorne The autopsy has proved what we suspected Several weeks ago I concocted the most virulent poison I could with the materials I had at hand I put it out as bait Mario was killed by poison Doctor, I wonder if you thought the system of the sorex Enabled them to assimilate that poison It remained in the salivary glands of their jaws Isn’t that wonderful? I am sorry Of course I always speak from the clinical point of view Well, don’t you have something to counteract that poison? Once Mario was bitten I’m afraid there’s nothing anyone Could have done This indicates that we cannot afford to get even so much As a scratch from these animals They’re more poisonous than snakes What, do you think they’re all effected? Best way to find out is let them all Bite you and see which bites you die after We might just all get that chance, Jerry You included Doctor, I’ve closed all the doors in the house I suggest we do the same thing with this hall and this lab It’ll cut down the chances of getting In the front of the house I think if we keep a close watch on those walls and windows In there, we might make it until daybreak The walls are two feet thick Do you think they have a chance to dig in? Of course there’s a chance Anywhere that plaster’s off, that adobe’s as soft as mush Where that rain hit it [SHREW SQUEAKING] Welcome back We hope you’re somehow enjoying The Killer Shrews

El Sapo is down in the basement getting some snacks, and Mittens and I were just discussing hurricanes as plot devices in movies The best example was probably Key Largo The worst example is probably what you’re watching right now The advantage of using a hurricane as a plot device is that it lets you confine all of the action into one place Speaking of something that should be confined, where is El Sapo? – Oh my gosh – What, what happened to you? – Wait a minute Something got me when I was down there, boss I was, something jumped out and got me I don’t know what it was, but it was big and ugly, like, well, it was big and ugly – Well, what did it look like, Sapo? – It was so dark I can’t say for sure But I think it was one of them killer shrews – Oh, really? Well, did you at least come back with some snacks? – I got half a bag of Baron’s Cheesy Curls, and the shrews got all the rest – So basically you came back with nothing – I came back with my life, and I was lucky to escape with that I am not going back down into that basement until we get all of this resolved – Look, Sapo, I was making it up There are no killer shrews – Well, something got me while I was down there – Put what passes for your mind at ease, and let’s talk about the movies Hurricanes are a serious matter, and your survival depends on you After a hurricane, you might not be able to leave for days, and you’ll need something to eat That’s why I’m offering the Baron’s Bucket of Nutrition Each bucket comes with enough freeze-dried nutrition to keep a family of four alive for weeks All you do is add water – Where can they get water? – Well, after a hurricane, there’s liable to be water all over the place – Wow What flavors does this food come in? – I never said it was food I said it was nutrition The lawyers were very clear on that score But it comes in just one flavor It’s nutrition, and that’s good enough when you’re hungry enough It’s high-protein and low calories – Yes, but is there a vegan option? – Yes The vegan option is hunger, eventual starvation, and death So when hurricane season approaches, be sure to order the Baron’s Bucket At only $150 per bucket, it comes out to just pennies per serving But right now, let’s return to the thrilling conclusion of The Killer Shrews, here on Nightmare Theatre It’s not a bad idea, Doctor But here’s another possibility, Doctor It’s very light out It’s going to be daylight soon We take the shrew that killed Mario And throw it over the fence and use it for bait If they show up for it, of course the run for the boat’s Out But if they don’t, then I’ll go down And have Rook lay too with the lighter Then I’ll return to the bend in the trail And give you the all clear signal Sounds fine, Captain Good, then you explain it to the rest Yes, I will Well, the bait’s been out there 20 minutes Nothing’s touched it Even the wind has gone down Isn’t that wonderful? I’m afraid it’s not over, my dear It’s just a lull There’ll be a lot more He’s right I’ll be back at the bend shortly Now you watch for my signal You can’t go alone I’ll go with him Not you, father You haven’t even fired a gun Take Rad or Jerry Sure, I’ll go And you’ll be sure of getting a signal Don’t shoot that gun unless you have to

We’ve only got 20 rounds all together I know that as well as you do Sherman You stay away from her Do you have that gun pointed at me? Right at the middle of your back Look, we got enough problems without worrying about Ann I’m telling you, stay away from her Or when the shrews get through with you, They won’t even find a buckshot [SHREWS CHATTERING] Hey, Rook! Hey, Rook! Rook! [WHISTLES] Where’s the skiff? I’ll follow that check line I’ve got to find him Since last night you won’t find much of him Would you shut up? I’m not going back You what? I’m staying here All right You suit yourself But if I were you, I’d swim out to that boat Can’t swim Then stay here Wait a minute You’ve got to give me a gun Give you a gun? Sherman, wait! This is the gun we had on the boat They don’t leave much, do they? Sherman, we’ve got to make a deal for [SHREWS SQUEAKING] What is it? Shh They’ve been trailing us on both sides Where? I didn’t see anything Look, Sherman, you’ve got to give me a gun All right Whatever you do, don’t you run And you stay in front of me because I don’t trust you [SHREWS CHATTERING] They’re coming! Open the gate! Open it! [GUNSHOT] Open the gate! Open the gate! Open up! Let him in! Jerry, open the door! [GUNSHOT] You’ve got to let him in! Sherman! The shrews were out there! I couldn’t take a chance! [MEN YELLING] For heaven’s sakes Doctor, stop him! All right, didn’t he have it coming or didn’t he?

What happened out there? Oh, nothing much Jerry just tried to kill me twice in the last five minutes Rook came ashore last night He’s dead This is all that was left Won’t do us any good It’s got no ammo I’m deeply sorry, Captain I wish he had followed your orders Look, Doctor, you casually mentioned animals You didn’t explain to us what we were facing out there You have every right to feel the way that you do My mistake was only mine It was one of judgment I didn’t know about the hurricane I didn’t anticipate the effect it would have on the shrews I thought the house would be safe through the crisis How could you expose your own daughter? How could you expose Ann to that? She was going to leave last week, but the boat didn’t come I need a drink Anybody else care for one? I could use some coffee I’ll make some Thank you, Ann Cream and sugar? [SHREW CHATTERING] Oh, my leg! [GUNSHOTS] Slam the door! You all right, Doctor? He just ripped my trousers, that’s all Are you sure that’s all? I’m completely aware of it, Doctor I’ll kill them! [GUNSHOTS] That was a stupid waste of ammunition Every one of them a clean miss There’s still four of them in there How did they get in? Through that kitchen window That rope must be rotten It’s got him! Radford! He’s dead Oh, no! He recorded every symptom and reaction Right up to the moment of his death Jerry, tear down one of those drapes and cover him up Sure Sure Craigis will cover Ann and I’ll cover him You’ll cover me But who’ll cover you? Shut up We can get on the mantles, swing from the ch – I told you to shut up Now you stop snivelling and think It’d take a tank to get us out of here Thorne! There! [SHREW SQUEAKING] Won’t take them long to dig around this You’re right No telling where else they’re digging too [GUNSHOTS] Come on! There’s not enough stuff here to barricade those walls

I’ll tell you what, pile some of those crates up over there That roof’s our last chance Help me, Doctor Find something light All right Here, help the Doctor Jerry, see if you can find some rope Doctor Yes? Use these chemical drums as tanks Individual tanks Here, I’ll show you Set it down now Slow All right All right? Yeah It’ll work It’ll work But these drums are too tall for the base If the shrews don’t push us over, the wind will Not if we lash them together Are there any more around here? Only that one over there Have any cold chisels or hammers or anything I could knock a hole in here and make side pieces? There are some tools over there in the corner Hey, here’s another one Get that out there Hey, even better Give me a little more slack Get some rope and put it on that latch so we can rig from the ground [SCREAMS] [SHREW SHRIEKING] Now hold this in All right All right We’re all set Look, it’s going to be rough, but we Should be able to duck walk to the beach Where’s Jerry? There’s a lot of them out there I can see them I’m not going Look, come down here! That wind will blow you right off that roof I told you, I’m not going I’m staying here We’ve got to get him down here somehow Ann, see if you can coax him down here Jerry, Jerry please come down with us! No Ann, they’ll get you if you go out there Come down here, you fool! Poor devil I hope he makes it We can’t leave He’s not responsible for himself We have to go now All right, Doctor Now hold it up Everybody ready? I’m going to open that gate Ready Ready OK, here they come Hold on Hold on [SCREAMS]

Ann, what’s the matter? Your side’s dragging You want to rest? You tired? [SPEAKING SWEDISH] What’d you say? She says she’s all right She’s keeping her eyes closed All right Keep your eyes closed They can’t get at you through the slit This empty drum is too heavy for her I can barely hold up my side I’ll be all right in a minute All right You walk I’ll drag for a while Listen Don’t let their head get under They’ll flip us over [GUNSHOTS] [SCREAMING] [SCREAMS] He got my foot! Check your foot! No, my foot is free but he got my boot Is there a scratch? No Not a mark [GUNSHOT] Keep moving Let’s go Let’s go Thorne, I don’t think I What? Sand! We’re at sand! Sand, we’re close! We’ll hit the water soon Doesn’t sound like they’re following us anymore We’d better walk deeper I’m about drowned out OK, let’s swim for it OK [SPEAKING SWEDISH] We are safe, aren’t we? WI mean, the storm. we? I mean, the storm Oh, sure She rode out the first half all right, And that’s always the roughest Anyway, riding an anchor out will give me a chance To learn a little bit more about that Swedish accent In 24 hours, there’ll be one shrew left on the island And he’ll be dead of starvation An excellent example of overpopulation Well, you know something, Doctor? What’s that? I’m not going to worry about overpopulation just yet Welcome back to Nightmare Theatre We sure hope you enjoyed the film, but Mittens, where’s El Sapo? He’s been gone for quite a bit now – Here I am, boss I went down into the basement and I caught me a killer shrew They’re really not so bad once you get to know them I think I’m gonna keep her as a pet – Sapo, that’s just a dog with a stupid wig on its head, isn’t it You used this movie as a ruse to make me think there were really killer shrews in the basement

so you could get a dog That’s a dog, isn’t it? – No, no, it’s a killer shrew! But don’t worry, I’ve tamed her – Sapo, you know we can’t have a dog I’ve explained this to you time and time again Now, Mittens here, he’s a great pet, but we just can’t have a dog So why don’t you take that wig off of that dog and take it back to where you got it – Okay, boss, I’ll take her back – Listen, I know you’re sad Would a cartoon pep you up? Why don’t you and Mittens enjoy this cartoon You folks at home can try to enjoy it too It’s from 1928, and it features Felix the Cat, and it’s about not letting our imaginations get the better of us (ominous music) Well, that was quite a unique cartoon, wasn’t it?

– Yes, Mittens and I loved it But one question What was all that writing on the screen? – Well, you see, cartoons were silent back then Folks had to read what was on the screen – What if people like me who couldn’t read, what were we supposed to do? – Look, I don’t know I wasn’t there, I didn’t make the cartoon I just wanted to show you a cartoon to get you over the fact that you had to give that dog up – I appreciate that, boss – Good Say, what do we have on tap for next week? – We have this! (dramatic music) – [Announcer] Have you ever been kissed by a woman like this? This is the story of an adventure so fantastic and horrible as to make a man of science doubt his senses See the dance of destruction, as Tarantula entices men to a strange fate Lost women, lost because they were born without human souls Children of abominable deviltry and twisted science, unleashed by insanity – She has human beauty and intelligence, but still possesses the capacities and instincts of the giant spider – Who could have shot him? – Nobody shot him Look These are not bullet wounds – What could have killed him? – I don’t know I hope we won’t have to find out – Aren’t you afraid, Grant? – Scared stiff – If you’re frightened, what do you call him? – I’m getting out of here!

– [Announcer] The terror of mortal man, paralyzed with fear, bereft of reason, facing the horror of the giant hexapod! – No, no, anything but that movie! That’s the worst movie ever made Seriously, you folks have no idea what you’re in store for next week Nothing you’ve seen so far can prepare you for the absolute confusion of The Mesa of Lost Women (sighing) In the meantime, may all your dreams be nightmares (energetic spooky music)